Haiku and Review: Before Midnight

SONY-BDOS-01_Onesheet4.16.13_Layout 1

 Jesse and Celine
walk and talk and…fight and cry?
Next: Before Divorce.

A date movie this is not. Look out, really. If you and your significant other are having some difficulty in your relationship, I’d say steer clear of this movie, because it might be enough to doom you. The first of this series of films was without question one of the most romantic ever made. The second one wasn’t so far off, especially with that cute and promising ending. But this one? Midnight has never been a darker time of night.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s a fine flick all around, but unlike Before Sunset, there’s not enough lift at the end, at least not for me. Sure, Jesse and Celine make up, and there is hope and humor in that final scene, but it can’t balance out the awful things they’ve said to each other for the last hour and a half.  I know that’s the point, that these two are now in the mature/spiteful part of their relationship and it is a mighty struggle to stay together, but jeez, I almost don’t want to see what happens to them in the next installment.

Haiku and Review: Gravity

gravity

Yes, an astronaut…
In dreams I walked on the moon.
After this, no thanks.

You don’t watch Gravity — you experience it.  Much of this is because of the way it is filmed — every so often, the camera gradually moves away from the usual third-person perspective and into first-person territory.  Our intrepid avatar is Sandra Bullock, playing a scientist trying to fix the Hubble Telescope with George Clooney…until all hell breaks loose.  And when I say “hell” and “breaks loose,” I really mean it.

How wonderful it is to see a film set in space with no aliens or time travel or Sherlock HolmeschannelingMr. Roarke type of nonsense.  Gravity is a movie that must be seen in the theater, in 3D.  It’s an adventure of both mind and body, and it left me supremely satisfied.  I haven’t been this happy after seeing a movie in a long, long time.

Only God Forgives & Man of Tai Chi

The final night of my action-movie binge!

ogf Only God Forgives (2013)

Red red everywhere
Brooding karaoke cop
You’re not in good hands.

What a strange, strange movie. I’d say David Lynch echoes strongly here (Blue Velvet weirdness and singing), plus a dash of Terrence Malick (minimalist dialogue and cinematographic beauty) and maybe a smidgen of Takashi Miike (sudden gore a la Audition). This is an extremely uncompromising work; the sole focus group was the director, Nicolas Winding Refn. If you liked Drive (I loved it), you might be disappointed with this. But one thing for sure if you do see it — it’s a refreshingly original movie. Oh, and Kristin Scott Thomas steals all her scenes, but what else is new. She’s just amazing.

mot Man of Tai Chi (2013)

After all these years
Keanu directs his first
but he still can’t act.

What a terrible, terrible movie. Really, this is bad. The lead actor, Tiger Chen, never looks comfortable in the role. Even though he’s got all the moves, he just doesn’t have any screen presence, and he’s so small and slight…sometimes he looks like a teenager. And the less said about Keanu, the better. His acting has never been worse, though it is so bad here that it’s actually kind of funny. There’s a scene where he is supposed to laugh haughtily at Tiger (Keanu plays the bad guy, so it’s one of these bad-guy chuckles); it should absolutely win the Razzies for worst acting this year. Keanu Reeves, comprised of Meryl Streep anti-matter.

Faster Taken

Over the past weekend, I hosted my mother. Unlike most women, she actually likes action movies, even the schlocky kind. So we ended up watching two of them: Taken 2 and Faster. Strangely enough, there was an actress who connected the pair of films — Maggie Grace. I remember her mostly for playing the part of Shannon, the quasi-incestuous sister to Ian Somerhalder’s Boone in the initially mysterious and ultimately lame Lost. In Taken 2, she plays a teenager in need of her driver’s license; in Faster, she is a sharp-shooting girlfriend/bride of a hit man who claims he has beaten yoga (I’m not making this up). I didn’t even know yoga needed a beating. In any case, a haiku for each, plus a smidgen of a review.

taken2

Taken 2 (2012)

Liam the hero

of a road Taken once more.

Rob Roy this is not.

They really push the Muslims = Bad plot point pretty hard in this film. Every time you see the overhead shot of Istanbul (mosques and whatnot) and hear the Muslim chants, you know we’re supposed to juice up the hate. So sadly simplistic, but then again, this is a movie directed by a French guy with the fake last name of Megaton (again, I’m not making this up).

Unintentional moment of hilarity: There’s an extended scene of Neeson instructing his daughter to drive away from the bad guys while he shoots at them. For the next ten minutes, we see the daughter (who, mind you, failed to pass her road test) suddenly driving like a professional stunt car driver (clutch-popping, 180-fishtailing, the works). The dialogue is a blast. This is the actual excerpt:

Come on, go!
Right.
Back, back, back!
Come on, move!
Come on, Kim.
Go, go!
Faster.
Keep going.
Left!
Yeah.
They’re in the taxi!
Keep going.
Oh, no.
Shit.
Stay low. Keep going.
Come on, faster.
I can’t.
You can do it!
I can’t!
Come on, move! Move.
Dad!
Keep going.
Move!
Right.
Oh, shit.

“Oh, shit” is definitely an apt phrase for this film.

faster

Faster (2010)

The Rock wants revenge

so he murders the guilty

then learns to forgive.

Dwayne Johnson does a pretty decent job of acting in this film, looking hard most of the time but also believably vulnerable in the flashbacks when he was younger and more innocent (but still as wide as a semi). It also stars Billy Bob Thornton (where has he been lately?), and the previously mentioned hit man rounds out the trio of characters who prop up this movie. The film takes a curious turn in the final third act, suddenly becoming all about forgiveness. It’s almost as if the movie is ashamed of the violence that has come before the ending. It’s not your typical Charles-Bronson-like affair, so folks in the mood for some mindless brain-bashing may not enjoy this all the way through. I sort of liked it.

The Mysterious Master

joaquin

Just saw The Master.  No, not the TV series with Lee Van Cleef playing a ninja (I’m not kidding), though I have seen that as well, but I digress.  Anyway, some random thoughts.

1. For a film with some of the most unpleasant characters ever, it is unbelievably beautiful to look at.  How is it that it wasn’t nominated for best cinematography this year?  The mind boggles.

2. Joaquin Phoenix is genuinely frightening to watch, on a wholly different level than some other unglued characters I’ve seen on cinema.  Why is that?  I thought of Robert De Niro’s Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.  As messed up as Travis was, I understood him.  I never understood Frank Quell, ergo, I was terrified of him and his inscrutable actions.

3. As strange as this may sound, Crispin Glover’s George McFly came to mind when I saw the way Phoenix physically held himself in this movie.

mcfly

4. Overall, this is a movie to be admired but not felt.  In a way, it reminds me of the way I feel about the very best modern art – which is never as much as I wish it to be.  The talent is obvious.  The themes are bold.  But it’s as if I’ve been invited to an interesting party whose reason for being is never clear.

Best Picture Oscars 2013

As of today, I’ve seen all nine of the Best Picture nominated films of 2012.  To celebrate, here’s a haiku for each.

amour

Amour

Love, Haneke style:
which means this movie really
should have been called Haine.

 argo

Argo

Fake movie saves lives!
Is it any wonder that
this will win best pic?

 beasts

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Katrina story
with little girl narrator:
funny, sweet, and sad.

 django Django Unchained

There’s a lot in here:
blood, guts, jokes, and passion — but
it’s just too damn long.

 lesmis

Les Misérables

Interminable
bombast of zooming, singing.
Crowe, keep your day job.

 life

Life of Pi

Parker, fake tiger.
Was I watching Avatar?
It’s no Cast Away.

 lincoln

Lincoln

Daniel Day-Lewis
is Honest Abe incarnate
but all else is snooze.

 silver

Silver Linings Playbook

Cooper and Lawrence
have kooky sparks aplenty
and dance moves as well.

 zero

Zero Dark Thirty

By-the-numbers film
well made and well acted…but
where’s Abu Nazir?

Beasts of the Southern Wild has less than zero dark thirty chance of winning, but it was my favorite film of last year.  For a dramatic movie that depicts the downtrodden without any filters, it made me laugh more than most comedies.  This movie also gets additional kudos for managing to tell its story in 93 minutes.  Less is more!

Silver Linings Playbook is the best pic on deck — who knew that Bradley Cooper had this performance in him?  And De Niro’s bedside speech is perhaps the best work he’s done in the last decade.  The third act is goofy and rote, and I think just about everyone knew (spoiler three words ahead!) that the letter from the wife was a fake, but there was enough goodwill built up in the first two acts that made it forgivable.

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

I thought it might fun to usher in the new year by watching the film 2012.  Neither my wife nor I had seen it, and since this year has been purported to be the end, why not?

We had a great time.  It’s Hollywood by the book, but oh, the carnage!  I couldn’t get enough, and was so inspired that we kept going with more doomsday picks.  As always, haikus to the rescue.

It ends with a bang:
an orgy of destruction
and it’s fun to watch.
A procedural
in planetary wreckage
‘Nauts to the rescue.
It begins like art
light, funny, then turns Lars-dark
Yes, depression sucks.

The Bad, the Worse, and the Worst

I suppose I was in a vegetative mood, because I spent an inordinate amount of time watching bad movies this past week. Some were chosen for their badness; others just turned out that way.

Road House

Dalton the bouncer
does tai chi without his shirt
and kills half the town.

The level of acting in this movie is just incredibly bad.  I’m not talking about the leads, Patrick Swayze and Ben Gazzara, but the folks who have three or four lines.  A movie like this made today would feature better secondary actors, which leads me to believe that the acting profession has markedly improved in the last twenty years or so.

I was surprised at how violent this film got towards the end.  I guess I shouldn’t have been, but ratings do tend to soften with time (like Midnight Cowboy bearing a ridiculous X rating).

  ShowgirlsDog Chow and Ver-sayce
Cavalcade of T & A
This is not acting.

The lines are ridiculous, the acting is so over-the-top that it would clear Mount Everest.  But one thing you cannot say about this movie — it is never boring, and therefore, I’d highly recommend it.

  MacGruberWhat this film needed:
toothpick, tube sock, bubble gum
and a few more jokes.

There were a few moments where I laughed, but the movie just isn’t funny enough.  The highlight without a doubt is Ryan Phillippe paging through MacGruber’s journal.

  Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen ZhenClick the Fast Forward
when watching this non-action
film in record time.

Jet li’s Fist of Legend is my favorite Chen Zhen story.  I’m a huge Donnie Yen fan — if you haven’t seen Kill Zone or Flash Point, they’re absolute gems.  This one had a few nice action sequences, but the rest of the film is forgettable.

  Batman: Year OneBryan Cranston makes
a gruff Lieutenant Gordon
to a weeny Wayne.

A faithful adaptation of the Frank Miller graphic novel.  It’s a decent film, but the guy who does Batman’s voice is wrongly cast.

  The Wicker Man (2006)Some films are so bad
their ineptitude is good.
I wish this were worse.

The scenes of this movie that are on YouTube, such as Cage beating up Leelee Sobieski in a bear suit, are funny, but the humor unfortunately is derived from their lack of context.  There’s no question the scene is silly, but within the movie, it makes more sense, and therefore, not really funny.

This actually was not a bad movie for the first half of its runtime.  And even the latter half isn’t a total failure — it was more along the lines of being ill conceived.  Let’s just put it this way: it’s no Showgirls.

The Fast Food of Life: Terrence Malick at McDonald’s

The Tree of Life, Terrence Malick’s latest masterpiece, is out on home video today. I’m a big fan of Malick, especially The Thin Red Line, but I was not exactly enamored with The Tree of Life. I don’t think Malick is capable of making a bad movie — film is first and foremost a visual medium, and his visual chops are off the charts. Still, once you get past the gorgeous cinematography, there’s just not much life in Life. The dinosaurs and cosmos interstitials are impressive, but ultimately, they serve as window dressing and not much more. Malick’s use of voiceover has never felt more self-conscious than in this film. I’ve read that this is his most personal work, and maybe that’s why it also comes off as his most precious. Again, it’s not a bad movie, but it’s not exactly a good one, either.

Now as for what appears below: I’m not exactly sure why I imagined Malick waiting at a McDonald’s, but it just sort of fit. Most of this pseudo-poetry is straight from the movie, with a few clusters of words rearranged and/or added.

The Fast Food of Life: Terrence Malick at McDonald’s

Brother.
Mother.
It was they who led me
to your Golden Arches.
And to this forsaken ordering line.

A man’s heart has heard
two ways through lunch…
the way of the Chicken McNugget
and the way of the Big Mac.

You have to choose.
The Chicken McNugget doesn’t try
to please itself.
Accepts being trimmed
fried, dunked in savory sauces.

The Big Mac only wants
to please itself.
Like this idiot
at the counter
paying entirely in change.

You can read the rest at The Nervous Breakdown.

Haiku and Review: Black Swan

Balleri-Nina
Breaking, broken, soul en pointe
Oh, to be Swan Queen.

I can’t imagine this movie being everyone’s cup of tea.  In fact, I can see many people averting their eyes from the screen.  There are moments here, as there were moments in Darren Aronofsky’s previous films like Requiem for a Dream and The Wrestler, where human flesh is mutilated to cringing levels — skin ripping like Scotch tape, a cheek turned into a canvas for a bout of self-stabbing.  At times, Black Swan is a full-blown horror movie, but the horror is somehow worse because the monster is within the mind of poor Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman).

It really is a horror movie, with most of its trappings — character backs away and into the arms of something/someone unpleasant, a chase in pitch-black darkness, discordant injections of noise to pump up the fear.  And yet Black Swan is more than that.  It’s a pointed, grueling character study, and boy, does Portman ever come up big in the acting department.  There’s not a single second when she isn’t Nina, and from the get-go, you can feel her confusion, her pain, her relentless drive to become someone she knows she’s incapable of being (and yet has to, somehow).   There are many shots of her smiling through misery, and each one is more heartbreaking than the one before.

It’s a movie about the pursuit of perfection, of sacrificing your very soul to achieve your dream.  But like I said, it’s also really, really scary.

I’m glad I saw Black Swan, but I’m also glad I won’t ever see it again.